How do we die?

This is the sort of week I dread. Old evils that come back to haunt me and my family. It isn’t fair I keep screaming inside, but Satan never is. He wants to burden us just when we feel life is heavy enough. I really just want to shrink, pretend I don’t exist. I know it is no use hiding, no use pretending the looming problems are not there. Yet I wish they weren’t there. I don’t feel strong enough to do battle, nor do I want to. This is the place we are allowed to go, because we have no other option but to lean on God through the storm and come through the other side stronger and more resilient. I know what the storms are like, and they always hurt, always bring pain, and are often uncomfortable and inconvenient. Yet, maybe I can keep my eyes on the eternal. The end has been foretold and in that I can rejoice. I know the war will be won, and I am on the right side. Isn’t it more about trusting the God knows what you are going through, and that He is actually bringing you through it. He doesn’t look down on us in helplessness and watch what we go through. He is there with us, guiding us, ministering to us, and always interceding for us!

 It seems easier to ignore a problem, maybe it will go away, maybe something will change, and sometimes it does seem to go away for a time, but it comes back to you and is glaring you in the face, demanding to be dealt with. These evils I have been through before, the victory has been so small, so seemingly insignificant that they seem just as large as ever, perhaps even larger because of their history. Will I fail again in battle, will those doing battle with me fail again. My experience says yes. I complain to God and ask, Why? It shouldn’t be this way. Don’t you want something better for me? I don’t want to admit that maybe He is perfectly content with the place I am in, and even desires me to be there. He wants all of me, and all my sustenance to come from Him, and all my needs to be met by Him. We want to protect ourselves to survive, yet Christ demands we die, we lay down our lives. I cry inwardly. I don’t want to die, dying isn’t pleasant, it isn’t lovely, it hurts. I know I will be brought through the fire, it will refine me, but it will kill me. Am I willing to die? That is the question in my mind today. I am prayerfully trying to trust God, and that it will work to some end that is not in my mind, trusting that He can transform clay pots to glorious treasure.

Hope Springs Eternal

Well, my lovely sisters wrote such inspiring blog posts this week, though truthfully I had been thinking of writing one before that, so here's mine.
I am happy! I love spring, it is my favorite time of year. I get sunshine and dirty hands :-) I am happy spiritually too. God's been working on me, I just had a big test this weekend, and I passed. I made the choice to trust Him by faith. I don't know what my future holds, or if it will "physically" look as lovely as mine is now, but somehow that doesn't matter, because I know who He is, and He only wants the best for me. I am happy that I can look beyond the immediate and my own desires and just be quiet and trusting in Him.

Our house is making quite a bit of progress this year. We have begun to sheet rock the second floor- yay! Finally done with lead paint! The barn is slowly getting cleaned out, but we have expanded our animal pens to house more ducks and chickens. We planted more trees/bushes, and the veggie garden will be bigger than ever. The somewhat dangerous, water filled, hole in the back yard is getting filled, and our fencing is about 3/4 done. It has been exciting to cross so many things off of our list this Spring.

Other lessons learned lately:
Quiet- be quite in my soul. I cannot hear that still small voice if my inward parts are so consumed with my own thoughts, agenda, and outside influences. I have been practicing quietness even in the busyness. What a freeing thing to have busy hands and busy days, but a quiet spirit. I am so thankful and it is much better than an anxious, worn out heart. Abiding in Him is where our momentary strength comes, and it is how we make wise choices in the disruptive moments of the day.

Big picture- it's so not about me! It's about Him! Only one fills the void, brings peace, offers life, security, thankfulness...It all goes back to Him. Fear is a funny thing, our fear often holds us back from the thing that would free us. Too many "what ifs". The beauty of knowing God, is that there is no need for fear. He has promised to provide for us, watch over us, sustain us, guide us etc. There is no area in life that God has not spoken and that he does not touch with his presence. When we begin to step out in faith and trust Him- not just SAY we trust, but ACT on that trust, that we being to experience freedom. We don't care what other's think of us, because God's opinion is the one that matters. We don't need certain things to be happy, because God is our true source of joy. We don't have to be treated a certain way by others, because God's everlasting love touches our lives. We don't need to fear situations or the future, because God is in control, nothing will happen that He does not allow. I find security and freedom in these promises of God, and they give me a boldness that I could never muster myself. If we really believe what God says and in who He says He is, then we will be contagious Christians.

It is neat to be on the other side of some of those pains previously during the year. I can see the hand of God, and it has built my trust in Him. I could not see any good in some of those situations. I can now see that good, and I am thankful for all I went through. God doesn't "waste" a moment in time. It is all in His plan. How we ultimately respond to that plan determines if we experience joy or sorrow. I don't know about you, but I definitely want the joy. That doesn't mean every moment of our lives is joyful, nope, but it does mean that our spirits are in a state of trust that brings a peace even through hurt or hardship. Joy comes in the morning, after the darkness.

My reptilian body is freezing sitting here by the computer- off to soak in the sun :-)
Grace and peace to you! Grow closer to Him- you will never regret it.
Anna